Holiness and Hospitals

 As some of you may know, back in December, just a few days before Christmas; I had to go to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy.  While appendectomies are a fairly routine surgery in this day and age; the expenses associated with hospital stays are certainly a factor of their own.  Due to a number of health issues, I have not been able to work a secular job since 2012; and as a result of many circumstances, do not presently have health insurance.  

I do not address this to elicit sympathy from any of you, but to describe my experience with the aftermath of all of this.  With what little resources I have available to me, I am working to pay off the medical bills which are ever present; however I thought that I would ask for just a small amount of help from friends and family in the form of a "Gofundme" page.  The amount a small portion of the bills in total; but a chance for those who wish to, to help if they want.  I expect nothing of any person, in regards to what I should receive in this world; but hope in mankind springs eternal.   I thought that maybe after the years of charity and donations, and helping multiple clergy and parishes and missions across the globe; that one or two people would reach out in support, and some have.   Yet what has also come, is the judgement of those who presume to be judges of need.  One such person decided to publicly berate me on social media; declaring that I should not be in need of help with so many government programs of assistance available, and what about "all that money" that I have from the works that I have been able to do over the years?

It is true; the government has many assistance programs available to a host of people who live in this country.  Yet it is also true that there are always people who fall through the cracks of the system and do not qualify, like myself.  I am too poor for private insurance, yet judged not poor enough for any program for discounted or government funded health coverage.  I am told that I am too disabled to work; yet judged not disabled enough to receive disability coverage.  Yet despite these disadvantages, I am not saddened.  I understood completely when I took on this ministry so many years ago, that my life would be hard; and suffering was inevitable.  But true suffering is only when you allow your mind to go into such a dark place that you obsess yourself with concerns about those things you cannot change around you. 

I have always been an outcast, in school, in life, in work, and in ministry.  I have always been judged to be someone who isn't worthy of care, concern, or love.  Yet I rejoice in that our Lord has given me the same air to breathe as the richest man alive.  He gives me the same ground to stand upon as the mightiest hierarch.  He gives me the same access to His divine Love that he gives to all those who truly believe and turn to him with longing heart.  Yes I have suffered much in my life, and my issues are many; but they exist and allow me to praise our God in spite of them.  I suffer from Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, social anxiety, arthritis, multiple bulging discs in my back, Chronic Fatigue syndrome, hearing loss, some memory loss, neurocardiocyncapathy (a neurological heart condition):  yet in spite of these, God gives me the strength to continue on towards the mountain of our salvation.

I have come to understand over the many years of suffering, that God allows me to continue so that others may know that they are not alone in their pains and their own trials of life.  I am no saint by any stretch of the imagination; but if by my example of doggedness in the face of adversity, one person should find the strength through our Lord to continue on in their own battles- then all the pain and humiliations that I suffer at the hands of health and others will have been worthwhile. 

And if there is any advice that I can give to those who pass judgment on people who ask for help when you think they don't deserve it, it would be this-   every struggle and every trial that a person goes through, can either bring them closer to or farther away from God.  May you never find yourself as one who has pushed a soul away from Christ, simply because you thought they didn't need or deserve your help.

Here Endeth the Lesson.